Autistic Women and Dating: Stop Believing the Bullsh*t

Sure, dating can be hard, and many posts are written from neurotypical viewpoints or mainstream media that tend to emphasise the difficulties and challenges faced by autistic women in the dating scene. However, it's time we stop subscribing to this narrative that paints a bleak picture of our experiences. While it's true that we, as autistic women, encounter our fair share of problems in dating, such as unnecessary misunderstandings, avoidable miscommunications, and unrealistic societal expectations, to name a few, it's equally important to shift the focus toward the incredible qualities we bring to relationships.

• Honesty: We say what we mean. If we say we love mochi, we mean we could swim in a pool of it.

• Unique Perspectives: Our brains function like a supercomputer that sometimes pauses to buffer, especially when things are illogical. But when it's on, we can solve problems you didn't even know existed!

• Passion: When we're into something, we're ALL IN. Whether it's collecting seashells or remembering your every like and dislike, you'll never experience a dull moment.

• Dedication: We're like a faithful dog, always by your side, except we might need a little more time figuring out how to fetch your heart since we're speaking different languages.

We must challenge and dismantle the toxic stereotypes that suggest we are inherently inept at dating. In reality, the struggles we encounter often stem from a world that doesn't fully appreciate or understand us, rather than any shortcomings on our part. The dating landscape has been constructed with a set of unwritten rules and norms that we, as autistic individuals, did not have a hand in creating. Therefore, if we feel excluded and frustrated, these feelings are entirely valid. It's essential to recognize that the fault lies not with us, but with the societal structures that not only fail to accommodate us but also completely flop at embracing our unique perspectives and ways of expressing love and affection.

We must challenge and dismantle the toxic stereotypes that suggest we are inherently inept at dating.

Additionally, the number of times I witnessed my neurotypical friends struggling with their own challenges in relationships and utterly failing at dating, which can sometimes lead to disasters that we all laugh at later, is significant. Sure, they might not have a checklist of emotional cues that reads like a legal document, but that doesn't mean they aren't tripping over their own insecurities. The notion that neurotypical individuals have a monopoly on successful dating is a misconception; the reality is that everyone, regardless of neurotype, faces hurdles in romance. With a cast of characters in the dating scene, each sporting their own quirks, preferences, and expectations, it's a miracle if we find someone who ticks all the boxes. Honestly, if you do meet someone who checks every single criterion on your list, it's probably a catfish, and that's a whole other set of issues! So, let us not be too hard on ourselves for simply approaching dating or expressing love in a manner that diverges from the cookie-cutter mould of romance.

In fact, this divergence is precisely what makes us autistic women distinctive. Our different ways of engaging in relationships lead to deeper connections and a greater understanding of ourselves and our partners. We often bring qualities like honesty that may make you doubt if anyone around you has ever really been truthful, a different sense of humour that might make you question if you've been laughing at the right things in life, loyalty that overlooks the fact you don't even have basic life skills to cook a decent meal, and a unique perspective on life that allows us to see the world through a lens that makes ordinary experiences feel like a grand adventure. The world is missing out if it fails to acknowledge the uniqueness we radiate.

By embracing our uniqueness and shifting the dialogue about dating, we can empower ourselves and others to value the beauty in our differences. It's time to celebrate our strengths and promote a more inclusive view of dating and relationships that respects all forms of expression, particularly those of autistic women. The narrative should move from one of limitation to one of possibility, highlighting the vibrant and diverse ways we can connect with others.

A Reality Check on Romance for Autistic Women

It's time for a reality check when it comes to truly understanding romance, especially for autistic women. This means acknowledging that traditional romantic gestures may not have the same impact on us as they do on neurotypicals. Let's talk about flowers, the classic romantic gift! But for us, they come with a side of sensory assault. Have you ever tried to receive a bouquet while simultaneously battling a sneeze attack from their overpowering scents? Plus, the guilt of watching them wilt. Nothing says "I love you" like having to mourn the death of a plant you just got! Many of us experience heightened sensory sensitivities, so what might appear as a lovely gesture could instead cause discomfort or make us question if we're contributing to societal waste. Similarly, surprise dates, though well-meaning, can create unnecessary masking rather than enjoyment. We appreciate being informed about plans ahead of time, as this enables us to prepare mentally and choose appropriate clothing that aligns with our comfort levels. While the element of surprise may be exciting for some, for many autistic women, it can seem contrived and unintentionally pressure us to mask our true autistic selves.

Sure, we autistic women have our unique sensory experiences, and it's essential to understand how this affects our interactions with the world. We thrive in environments that cater to our sensory needs, which can vary significantly from person to person. For instance, some of us may prefer quiet spaces with soft lighting, while others might seek out vibrant environments filled with stimulating colours and sounds. This diversity in sensory preferences means that our choices are often deeply considered and tailored to create the most comfortable and enjoyable experiences for ourselves.

While it may be easy for others to label us as fussy or hard to please, the truth is that our meticulous attention to detail is rooted in an insightful understanding of our sensory preferences. When we select a place or activity, we're not merely acting on a whim; we're engaging in a thoughtful process that takes into account not only our own interests and wellbeing but also the needs and desires of those we care about. Our decisions are informed by a kind of internal "supercomputer" that processes various factors, including sensory inputs, personal preferences, and social dynamics, to ensure that everyone involved can have a positive experience.

Thoughtful Choices for Meaningful Connections

Take, for example, the restaurants we choose for our dates. We don't just pick any place; we carefully evaluate several factors to ensure a positive experience. Our selections include places that offer incredible food (one of a kind), ensuring that there are options for different dietary preferences and restrictions. We also consider the seating arrangements, opting for comfortable seats that provide a sense of security and ease. The atmosphere is another critical factor; we prefer sensory-friendly environments that minimise overwhelming stimuli, allowing us to focus on the company rather than being distracted by excessive noise or harsh lighting. If these considerations don’t align with your preferences, it's time to realise that this is not a flaw in our character but rather a reflection of our unique needs. In such cases, the discomfort might be more about differing expectations than about our choices.

Moreover, we pay attention to the details of the dining experience, such as the types of cutlery used. We might choose places that make thoughtful choices for utensils that are easy to handle and comfortable to use, and that it has a spacious dining layout as this can significantly enhance our overall enjoyment of the meal. Transportation is also a crucial consideration; we often select locations that are easily accessible, ensuring that travel doesn't become a source of stress or discomfort.

If someone doesn't appreciate these thoughtful selections, then that would be a "you problem". This phrase highlights the notion that our sensory needs are valid and that accommodating them is not merely a matter of preference but rather a fundamental aspect of our wellbeing. It invites others to realise that our choices are based on self-awareness and care, rather than a random desire to be difficult.

Redefining Romance for Autistic Women

What we consider to be romantic are often simple and practical, instead of traditional grand gestures or elaborate displays of affection. Thoughtfully meeting everyday needs can be incredibly meaningful. This might include small acts of kindness, like having our favourite snacks ready for a movie night, remembering our sensory preferences, or engaging in conversations that respect our communication styles, ensure we feel understood. These seemingly mundane gestures can be profoundly romantic due to their sincerity and consideration.

Understanding romance for autistic women requires a shift in perspective. It encourages partners to engage in open dialogue about sensory preferences, practical needs, and what truly makes us feel valued and appreciated. By understanding the thoughtfulness behind our selections, others can join us in creating meaningful connections that respect both our needs and the joy of shared experiences. By taking the step to acknowledge and embrace our unique experiences, you will not only enrich our lives but also create a safe environment that celebrates both our individuality and the beautiful aspects of companionship.

Is Timing Key in Dating for Autistic Women?

We often hear the generic reasoning for why dates didn't go as planned or why some relationships failed. Ah yes, timing! The universal scapegoat. Although these explanations appear straightforward or without accountability, they often gloss over the underlying complexities involved. Is it really all about timing, or does the convenience and immediacy of modern dating culture drive people to seek a 7-Eleven dating experience? Just because you can order a date like takeout doesn’t mean you should! This tendency prevents individuals from taking the necessary time to work on themselves or from making the effort to appreciate the uniqueness of autistic women, ultimately leading to a lack of readiness for a healthy and fulfilling relationship..

In today's fast-paced world, where instant gratification has become the norm, many people rush into romantic encounters without fully understanding their own needs or desires. This raises the question: who on earth set this ridiculous universal timeline dictating when autistic women should be ready for love? Societal pressures and expectations surrounding relationships can create a sense of urgency that overshadows the importance of personal growth and self-awareness—especially for autistic women. We need a partner who truly understands us and not just trains their thumb muscle. So, while the world rushes around us, let's take a moment to appreciate the beauty of taking it slow. Because it's way more fun, both physically and emotionally, to figure out the real connection than to jump into a relationship just because everyone else is doing it.

Timing vs. Core Elements

It's important to evaluate if we're overly prioritising timing instead of the core elements that lead to successful relationships. Open and honest discussions about feelings, expectations, and readiness are vital for both neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals. We've been taught to become so caught up in the timing that we forget the basics. Is it really necessary to check if the stars are aligned before asking practical questions? These conversations can pave the way for greater understanding and empathy, which is romantic for us. Whether together or separately, aligning our goals and aspirations is key. For instance, if you dream of traveling the world and your date wants to become a professional couch potato, it might be wise to have a chat before booking those tickets.

While it's true that some of us autistic women may take longer to grasp the unnecessary complexity of dating, this shouldn't be viewed as a flaw but rather as a natural part of relationship development. Each autistic individual's journey is different, and the path to emotional maturity can vary significantly. Instead of succumbing to the pressures of societal timelines, we autistic women would benefit from embracing our own paths to personal readiness, which can lead to more meaningful connections.

Who decided on this absurd universal timeline that dictates when autistic women should be ready for love?

Exploring the motivations behind the relentless pursuit of convenience in relationships can provide insights into the underlying issues and prevent this societal norm from interfering with our quest to establish what truly suits us or works for us. Are people genuinely seeking connection, or are they merely filling a void? Asking these questions can reveal a lot about one's intentions for a serious relationship and guide us, autistic women, toward making more conscious and deliberate choices.

Although timing plays a role in dating, it's not the only factor that determines success. For autistic women, choosing partners who focus on self-reflection, open communication, and emotional readiness can greatly improve the overall dating experience and the quality of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. By encouraging a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partners, we can create a more supportive environment that promotes positive growth and genuine connection, ultimately leading to more satisfying romantic experiences.

Are We Asking the Right Questions About Dating from a Neurodiverse Perspective?

How about if we flip the script for a moment to consider a neurodiverse perspective? This shift in viewpoint enables us to explore the underlying factors that shape our unique experiences as autistic women in the realm of dating. The challenges we encounter are often framed as deficiencies or shortcomings, but could it be that these obstacles stem more from unrealistic societal expectations and norms rather than our natural abilities? Do the difficulties we experience in romantic relationships truly reflect a lack of abilities, or do they indicate a broader societal failure to appreciate and value our distinctive approaches?

Subtleties in Social Cues

One of the most pressing issues is the expectation that we, as autistic women, must decode the subtleties of dating communication. Why is there an implicit assumption that we should inherently grasp the nuanced layers of social interactions? The reality is, these subtleties often remain ambiguous, even to those who are accustomed to them. For instance, we're expected to gauge when it's the right time to express interest or to initiate physical contact without directly asking for consent. This raises important questions about whether such subtleties are truly necessary or safe, or if they complicate our interactions unnecessarily. Shouldn't we be asking the right questions?

Why must we navigate a maze of social cues when a simple, honest conversation could suffice?

Why are we expected to guess social signals in dating?

When did we collectively decide to play this guessing game that leads to avoidable feelings of inadequacy and isolation?

The Question of Communication Styles

In many instances, clarity and honesty create deeper connections, yet society often rewards indirectness and ambiguity, believing they promote harmony and respect among people. This preference for allusiveness leads to misinterpretation and confusion, particularly for those of us who prefer straightforwardness. Yet, in many cultures, direct communication can be perceived as harsh or rude. The idea that we must infer the intentions and feelings of our dates introduces another obstacle to an already elaborate activity.

What is fundamentally wrong with a direct communication style in the context of dating?

The Complexity of Social Interactions

Is it truly the case that we autistic women lack skills in social interaction, or could it be that the messages we receive are so cryptic and illogical that they create barriers rather than facilitate understanding? The notion that the majority opinion is inherently correct is a misconception. Just because a particular viewpoint or behaviour is widely accepted doesn't necessarily mean it's the most logical or beneficial. Does majority rule truly represents the best course of action?

The argument about language is particularly compelling. Mandarin is indeed the most spoken language in the world, with over a billion native speakers. This raises an interesting point: if a single language could unify communication across diverse populations, why don’t we all adopt Mandarin as our primary means of conversation? The answer lies in the diversity of human culture and identity. Language is not merely a tool for communication; it's a key component of cultural heritage, personal identity, and social connection.

Different interactions carry unique nuances, idioms, and expressions that reflect the values and experiences of their speakers, tied to their cultural identity and community belonging. Imposing a single interaction leads to the erosion of cultural differences, neurodiversity, and the loss of valuable perspectives that different interactions offer. Instead of viewing our autistic social skills as deficient, it's more productive to examine the context in which communication occurs and aim for enhanced clarity and understanding in our interactions.

Are autistic women truly lack social interaction skills, or is it possible that the messages we encounter are so cryptic and illogical they create obstacles instead of facilitating understanding?

The Layers of Emotional Convolution

The complexity of emotions in our connections might arise from a desire to protect both ourselves and others from hurt. By masking our true emotions or presenting them in a more palatable way, we may believe we're being kind or considerate. However, this leads to a cycle of misunderstanding and emotional distance. To avoid this, it's beneficial to take time to develop the relationship, starting with friendship before moving into a romantic phase as an example. Establishing a mutual understanding of the desired pace as friends helps both autistic women and potential partners feel more comfortable and secure as we explore the different emotional layers of our connection. The challenge is to find a balance between honesty and sensitivity, allowing for genuine connections while still being mindful of each other's emotions.

When did we determine that increasing layers of emotional complexity was a good idea?

Let's Flip the Script on Dating Challenges!

Flipping the script on our dating challenges encourages us to reflect on the broader societal influences at play. Advocating for a shift towards more open and direct communication in dating is crucial. Prioritising honesty and transparency benefits not only autistic women but also enhances the dating experience for everyone involved. By eliminating unnecessary subtleties, indirect misunderstandings, needless complexities, hidden social cues, and unclear emotional layers that define our relationships, we can achieve a real understanding of diverse human connections.

This exploration could eventually lead to a more inclusive and appreciative society, where diverse dating styles are acknowledged and valued. By breaking down barriers, we can encourage genuine connections that celebrate the diverse ways we, autistic women, express emotions and intentions. Imagine a world where people embrace the quirks of dating! "Oh, you date through furry dancing with your pup? Fabulous! Let's meet in the park for our dates!" So, let's appreciate the diversity and humour in our relationships.

Ultimately, it's important to understand that the challenges autistic women encounter in dating are not due to personal shortcomings or deficits, but rather reflections of a societal system that often fails to accommodate neurodiversity. By questioning these norms and advocating for a more inclusive approach to dating, we can create a space where all individuals, regardless of their neurotype, can thrive in their romantic pursuits.

How has your dating experience been? Have you been fed nonsense? What do you find romantic? Share your thoughts.