Autistic-Friendly Dating: Keeping It Light and Fun

I received my autism diagnosis later in life, a story that resonates with many autistic women. This late diagnosis often merely confirms what we've long sensed, as we've always known we're different from those around us, navigating a world that can sometimes seems distant and that we're an earth-invader. Like many others on this path, it's likely that we, had an inkling that we were at odds long before any formal diagnosis was made, especially in how we perceive and engage with social interactions and relationships. This awareness often extends into various aspect of our lives, including our unique preferences and experiences in dating, which proudly different from the typical expectations set by society.

In the realm of dating, I frequently find that certain neurotypical romantic ideals impose a significant amount of pressure. These societal expectations can often clash with our own ways of expressing love and experiencing relationships. Ideals that focus on spontaneity, casual flirting, unspoken emotional expression, and traditional courtship rituals can be daunting and misaligned with how I connect with others. For instance, the expectation to engage in meaningless chitchats or to navigate complex emotional landscapes can be exhausting, leading me to feel as though I must mask my true self to avoid disappointing the other person. I have certainly learned this the hard way over the years, often reflecting on my experiences to better understand how to handle these complex interactions.

Despite my many special interests that bring me immense joy and fulfilment, dating itself has never been one of them. The intricacies of romantic relationships can at times appear to be an enigma, one that I am not particularly inclined to solve. However, I have a surprising guilty pleasure: watching coming-of-age movies and TV series that centre around romance, such as To All the Boys Franchise, The Summer I Turned Pretty, A Time Called You. This fascination has led me to ponder why I am drawn to these narratives, especially when I don't actively seek out dating in my own life.

After some reflection, I have come to understand the reasons behind my interest in these romantic portrayals. I am captivated by their fun, simplicity and the predictable nature of the storylines. These films and series follow a familiar pattern, filled with charming misadventures and heartfelt moments, where romantic conflicts are usually resolved in a satisfying and reassuring manner. This predictability is comforting, as it allows me to immerse myself in a world where emotional resolutions are neatly packaged, and the complexities of real-life relationships are distilled into manageable narratives. The fun and lighthearted nature of these stories offers a delightful escape, even as a grown woman who has experienced a couple of long-term relationships, broke off an engagement, and is now married. I continue to indulge in the whimsical aspects of romance without the pressures and uncertainties that come with real-life dating. They provide a comforting space where love is uncomplicated and often leads to a happy ending, a stark contrast to the intricate realities of adult relationships.

Just a quick one, while this genre is a guilty pleasure, it is by no means my favourite genre. I have a deep-seated requirement to engage my logical, solution-driven, and analytical side, which occupies a significant portion of my cognitive landscape. To satisfy this intellectual curiosity, I often turn to shows that challenge my thinking and provide complex narratives, such as Squid Game, Devil's Plan, Kingdom. This series, with its intricate plot twists and psychological depth, captivates me in a way that romance narratives do not. It allows me to explore themes of strategy, survival, and human behaviour, feeding my analytical brain while providing a stark contrast to the simplicity I find in romantic stories.

Embracing my identity as an autistic girl, and later as a woman, with or without the formal label, has shaped my views on dating and relationships. While I may not actively pursue dating experiences, I still gain valuable insights from the romantic encounters and relationships I've had, which have helped me develop strategies for autistic-friendly dating that work for me. The pleasure I find in coming-of-age romantic media serves as a reminder of the complexities of human connection and the myriad ways in which we can engage with those themes, whether through our own lives or through the lens of storytelling. So, let's talk about what works or doesn't work for us.

Autistic-Friendly Dating: Good vs. Bad Dates

The Bad Dates: A Surprising Formal Dining Experience

During my university years, I managed multiple jobs to cover my living expenses and tuition fees. This schedule left me with limited time, leading me to prioritise my studies and work commitments above all else, which unfortunately left little room for dating experiences. The idea of investing time in relationships seems unwise, especially when encountered with muddled or unclear situations. I often hesitant to explore the intentions of others if they weren't straightforward, as I valued clarity and directness in my interactions.

One particular encounter stands out in my memory. I met a person who was refreshingly straightforward, someone who cut through the ambiguity that often filled the dating scene. He asked me directly if he could take me out to dinner, suggesting a specific date. I agreed, albeit with a sense of uncertainty about what to expect. The lack of information regarding our destination added an element of suspense that I found uncomfortable. I often felt that situations like this created unnecessary tension, especially when I was already stretched thin with my responsibilities.

As fate would have it, the date fell on my only day off in a long time, which was a blessing in terms of having a break from my hectic routine. However, it posed a dilemma for me because I had also committed to attending my best friend's birthday party on that same evening. The conflict between these two important events weighed heavily on my mind. On the day of the date, he arrived to pick me up, and we set off together to the restaurant.

When we arrived, I was surprised to find out that we were dining at a formal Italian restaurant. Our table was situated in the middle of the restaurant, which, while it may have been intended to create a lively atmosphere, only amplified my sense of being in the spotlight. It appear as though all eyes were on us, every sound echoed in my ears, and each light above us seemed brighter than the last, adding to my discomfort. As we settled in and placed our orders, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of unease; the chair was not particularly comfortable, and the ambiance felt somewhat staged.

As the minutes ticked by, I became increasingly conscious of the time I needed to leave to reach my friend's party. This thought nagged at me, creating a sense of urgency that overshadowed my enjoyment of the date. When our food finally arrived, I took a couple bites but quickly realised that the dish wasn’t to my liking, which was surprising given my fondness for Italian food. I began to wonder if my dissatisfaction stemmed from the location of our table, the stress of not knowing what to expect, the discomfort of my dress, or potentially being late to the party.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, it became clear to me that I wasn't going to have a pleasant evening and I need to reserve my energy for my friend. The combination of factors was too overwhelming, and I needed to extricate myself from the situation. I asked my date if we could leave before finishing our meal. I hoped that by doing so, I could salvage the remainder of my evening and make it to my friend's celebration, where I would hopefully find a more relaxed and familiar environment that wouldn’t be as taxing. Zero score for autistic-friendly dating.

The Good Dates: Cozy Cocoon Gastro Bites

In contrast to the previous experience, my now husband had known me for a while before I realised he was interested in a romantic relationship. This prior acquaintance allowed us to build a strong friendship, where we became familiar with each other’s likes and dislikes. Our shared experiences and mutual understanding laid the groundwork for what eventually developed into a romantic connection. After several attempts to express his feelings, he chose not to apply pressure, instead opting for a more gentle approach. He consistently arranged small outings that were low-key, casual, and set in cozy atmospheres, all while catering to my food preferences.

This thoughtful approach was not without its challenges, given my passion for cooking and pride in my culinary skills. My husband also had the responsibility of caring for the cutest furry puppy, who has since become my furry baby and true soulmate. Balancing our outings while ensuring that our four-legged friend was accommodated was no small feat, yet he always managed to discover places that satisfy both me and our beloved pup.

One particular date stands out vividly in my memory, always evoking the fondest memories of our early relationship. A week prior to our planned meet-up, he excitedly shared the location of a gastro pub, encouraging me to do a little research on it to see if it was something I would be interested in trying. Initially, I was uncertain about the idea, as pubs had never been my favourite; however, I recognised that few places would be as accommodating to dogs as this one seemed to be. After some thought, I agreed to give it a shot, motivated by the prospect of spending time together in a dog-friendly setting.

We arranged to meet at a nearby tube station on the day of our outing. When I got there, my now husband and our furry companion were waiting at the exit, and we took a slow walk to the gastro pub through a small park, enjoying each other's company and the anticipation of what lay ahead. Once we arrived, we went into what I can only describe as a private, cozy cocoon, a hidden gem away from the city's hustle and bustle. The ambiance was warm and inviting, with soft lighting and comfortable seating that made it easy to relax.

Menus were already prepared for us, and I had the delightful task of choosing what I wanted to eat before he placed the order at the bar. With no wait staff in sight, there was no pressure for unnecessary interactions or stress that often comes with dining out. Instead, it was a genuinely pleasant experience that allowed us to connect more deeply. We settled into this cozy little cocoon with just enough room for the three of us, our furry puppy comfortably nestled between us, sharing a delightful assortment of small bites that encouraged us to savour each flavour while talking, petting, and laughing.

The experience was calm and restorative, as if we had created our own little cave amidst the chaos of a busy city, a sanctuary where we could truly be ourselves. Each moment spent together in that cozy cocoon reinforced our bond and allowed us to explore our feelings for one another in a relaxed and intimate setting. It was during this outing that I began to realise how special our connection was, setting the stage for the love story that would continue to unfold in the years ahead.

Identify What Dating Means to You and What Works for You

Some of the best dates I've had are actually very low-key experiences that stand out in my memory for their simplicity and ease. Much like coming-of-age stories, they involve easy-going activities such as playing video games, having movie nights with plenty of snacks, a picnic in the park, or taking a walk by the water. I tend to prefer casual settings where I can eat and drink whatever I want, without the constraints of a formal atmosphere. There's something incredibly liberating about being in an environment where the focus is on genuine connection rather than the pressure to impress.

In these relaxed situations, I usually choose clothing that is super comfy—perhaps a pair of wide-leg trousers, a soft t-shirt or a cozy sweater, and well-cushioned trainers. This clothing choice not only enhances my comfort but also allows me to feel more at ease, fostering a sense of authenticity that is often lacking in more formal dates. The absence of a rigid dress code means that I can truly be myself, which is much better for building a meaningful connection with someone through shared interests.

Plus, the low-key nature of these settings eliminates the stress typically associated with conventional dating scenarios. There are no overwhelming expectations like what to wear, how to be, conforming to unrealistic ideals, or engaging in pretentious conversation. Instead, we can simply enjoy each other's company, share laughs, play games, and indulge in delicious food, whether it be at a cozy bubble tea spot, a casual eatery, or even a street food market with a quiet corner to enjoy the tasty offerings.

The conversations that flow in these relaxed environments tend to be more genuine and fun. We can discuss our interests, exchange stories, and discover mutual passions without the distraction of an elaborate setting or a meticulously planned itinerary. This organic interaction often leads to deeper connections and a better understanding of each other, which is far more valuable than any extravagant date could provide. These moments can create lasting memories that are cherished long after the date has ended. It’s in these simple yet meaningful experiences that some of the best moments in dating are found, free from societal expectations and pressures. Here are some suggestions:

Understanding Dating for Autistic Adults

Contrary to the portrayal often seen in mainstream media, which tends to emphasise the difficulties and obstacles faced by autistic individuals in romantic pursuits, many autistic adults don't face as many challenges with dating as is commonly suggested. While the act of swiping is straightforward, we might choose to swipe with our toes or decide on an entirely different and respectful approach to meeting people. Like anyone else, we engage in a process of exploration to understand what dating means to us personally, and we often develop strategies and styles that better align with our unique perspectives and preferences.

Defining Personal Meaning in Autistic-Friendly Dating

For autistic individuals, the first step in dating may involve a deep and personal reflection on what dating means to us. This could involve a range of interpretations, from casual outings, seeking commitments and emotional connection to exploring physical intimacy or simply enjoying shared activities. Each person’s definition of dating is influenced by their individual experiences, values, desires, and social contexts. Acknowledging that there is no singular way to approach dating allows autistic adults to tailor our experiences to what feels comfortable and fulfilling for us. This personal definition is crucial, as it allows us to approach dating with clarity and intention, rather than simply following societal expectations or trends.

Effective Approaches to Dating

When exploring effective dating strategies, we may adopt various methods that cater to our strengths and preferences. For instance, we might choose to communicate through the ancient text message until we feel at ease, allowing us to express ourselves without the pressure of in-person interactions. This can lead to more meaningful conversations and connections that might not happen in conventional dating scenarios. Additionally, establishing clearly defined communication styles and expectations can serve as a starting point. Open discussions about personal boundaries, interests, values, and social cues can help prevent misunderstandings and create a more comfortable and autistic-friendly dating environment. This clarity can nurture genuine connections, as both partners are more aware of each other's needs and preferences.

Finding What Works for Us

Once we acknowledge that dating is subjective, the next step is to explore what truly works for us. This involves self-reflection and a willingness to experiment with different approaches to dating. Whether it's through online platforms, low-key social gatherings, or mutual friends, the avenues for meeting potential partners are diverse. Each method comes with its own set of advantages and challenges, and we just need to find out which aligns best with our personalities and lifestyles.

Moving at One's Own Pace

Another important aspect of dating for autistic adults is the ability to develop relationships at a pace that suits us. Unlike the typical fast-paced swiping culture, which can sometimes feel rushed, most of us prefer to take our time getting to know someone. This gradual approach allows for the development of trust and comfort, which is crucial for forming lasting connections. Plus, engaging in shared interests or activities offers a natural setting for interactions, reducing the pressure that often associated with traditional dating scenarios. Whether it’s participating in special interests, attending low-key social events, or enjoying calming activities, these environments can facilitate organic connections with others who share similar passions. And who knows? By the time we reach the destination, we might just have a story worth telling—and maybe even a few laughs along the way!

Building Healthy Relationships

As we explore our dating experiences, it is essential to focus on building healthy relationships. This means prioritising open communication, mutual respect—a little respect goes a long way—and emotional support. You want someone who will root for you, not just when you achieve something great, but also when you’re binge-watching your favourite show and need someone to pass the Pepero. By setting clear boundaries—I need some me-time—and being honest about our intentions, we can foster connections that are not only enjoyable but also meaningful. This approach not only enhances our dating experiences but also contributes to our overall wellbeing. After all, a healthy relationship should feel like a fun ride, not a trip to the dentist! So buckle up, communicate openly, and let the dating adventures begin!

Conclusion: Embracing Individual Experiences

While mainstream media may paint a picture of dating for autistic adults as a scene straight out of a romantic comedy gone wrong, our reality can be quite different. By defining what dating means to us (like taking "Netflix and chill" literally), critically analysing media representations, and discovering what works best for us, we can navigate dating with confidence and authenticity. Ultimately, dating is about building connections, encouraging growth, and finding joy in the process, rather than yielding to the pressures or stereotypes that often dominate popular culture. Embracing individual experiences allows for a more accurate and empowering narrative that truly reflects the realities of dating for autistic individuals. So let’s rewrite the script to fit what truly works for you, whether it's a tragic love story, a feel-good movie, awkward dancing, laughing until we roll on the floor, and maybe even finding that special someone who appreciates our quirks.

What are some of your good dates? Have you encountered any bad dates? Could you share any good spots that are autism-friendly?