Understanding the Unpredictable Dynamics of Friendships for Late-Diagnosed Autistic Women

Let's have a quick dive into the statistics surrounding women with autism who are undiagnosed. Recent studies reveal that by the age of 18, a staggering 80% of females are still wandering through life without an autism diagnosis or an accurate diagnosis. This could lead to not fully understanding their identity, affecting their ability to navigate adulthood with autism and limiting their potential to develop healthy strategies to cope effectively with friendships and relationships. It appears that equal opportunity is needed not only in the workplace but also in the world of autism diagnosis.

Here’s where it gets interesting (and a little wacky). Experts are starting to recognise that the number of females with autism might be almost equal to that of males. Yes, you heard it right! Various research indicate a male-to-female autism ratio of approximately 4:1, which sounds like a silly maths problem. But wait! It seems biases are playing the role of the villain in this story, making it harder for females to get diagnosed or receive an accurate diagnosis of autism. So, what’s the real ratio?

Experts are scratching their heads, wondering if the true male-to-female autism ratio might be lower, maybe it’s more like 3:1, or even 2:1. Varying studies show male-to-female autism ratio ranges from 2:1 to 16:1, scary right? It’s like trying to guess the number of snowflakes in a snowstorm. The latest estimate is 3:1. While we navigate this statistical storm, it's important to remember each number is a unique story waiting to be told. By adding a little understanding and humour on the challenges faced by girls and women with autism, we might just make the journey a bit lighter—like a snowflake landing on your cheek!

Friendship: The Final Frontier for Late-Diagnosed Autistic Women

Having explored the intriguing statistics, we can now dive into the wild and wacky world of friendships, particularly for autistic women who are either undiagnosed or late-diagnosed with autism. It’s like trying to drive while wearing a blindfold—only to find out that the roads are made of unpredictable social cues and unspoken rules! The nature of these friendships is deeply affected by the unique challenges and social expectations faced by undiagnosed and late-diagnosed autistic women, especially when everyone else is fluent in "small talk".

Nonetheless, friendship can be a delightful puzzle—if that puzzle was missing a few pieces, with a cat scratching at it, and occasionally tried to steal our lunch. For late-diagnosed autistic women, the path to form and maintain friendships can resemble an epic adventure of adulting with autism, filled with emotional turbulence, unexpected obstacles, and social expectations that seem to be in a language only understood by cats engaged in a complex game of cat and mouse. Most of the time, we're unsure whether it’s a good idea to sign up to play the game.

The Challenge of Missing Pieces

In the realm of friendship, missing puzzle pieces are like those socks that disappear in the laundry—mysterious, frustrating, and often leaving you with an incomplete outfit and cold feet. Many of us autistic women who receive an autism diagnosis later in life grapple with social cues and norms that others seem to grasp intuitively, which makes us question if we have missed a class in “How to Adult with Autism as Women” or “How to Make Friends in Adulthood with Autism”. These missing pieces are like the nuances of conversations, the unspoken rules of social interactions, and the emotional subtleties that often go unnoticed by autistic individuals.

The challenge of missing pieces in friendship lies not only in recognising these gaps but also in finding ways to fill them, often through trial and error. This process depends on a substantial collection of both failed and successful social interactions in our brains to fulfil those hidden duties in friendship that we, as autistic women, struggle to understand when we are not provided with enough context. Each attempt to connect can seem like searching for that elusive piece in a vast database to complete the puzzle, only to discover that it might not exist in the same way for others, which adds to the complexity of building and maintaining friendships.

The Cat Scratching at the Puzzle

Imagine: we’re trying to put together a complex puzzle that represents our friendship, and suddenly, a cat shows up. Not just any cat, but a furry little tyrant with an urge to scratch everything in sight. This cat might just be society itself, purring sweetly while simultaneously clawing at our sanity. You know, those times when everyone expects us to be the life of the party, but all we want is to binge-watch our favourite show, snack without judgement in our PJs, and be in bed by 9pm. Yep, that’s the cat scratching at our puzzle, making it impossible to focus on the full picture of the expectations of friendship.

Then there’s the sneaky peer pressure cat, who thinks it’s hilarious to knock over our carefully constructed puzzle pieces. “Why aren’t you more social?” it meows, while we’re just trying to figure out how to socialise without turning into a human pretzel. Now, let’s talk about the internal battles—self-doubt and anxiety, constantly scratching at our confidence. It’s like trying to have a casual chat while this cat is sitting on our shoulder, whispering, "What if this isn't engaging?" or "Did you misinterpret that reaction?"

For late-diagnosed autistic women, this cat can be even more intense as we attempt to navigate maintaining friendships while simultaneously managing sensory issues, as our awareness of our surroundings and needs may be limited by receiving a diagnosis with autism later in life or not at all. Picture a cat that not only scratches but also shines lights in your eyes, blasts music, and scatters confetti everywhere. Sensory overload? Check! Fear of judgment? Double-check! Social interactions with friends can resemble a high-stakes hot yoga session, where every misstep results in an awkward fall and a twisted ego.

The Lunch Thief: Unexpected Obstacles

The cat that occasionally tries to steal our lunch symbolises the unexpected obstacles that can arise in friendships between late-diagnosed autistic women and friends who are unaware of our struggles. Just as a playful cat might disrupt a peaceful lunch, friendships can be interrupted by misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the occasional hairball of personality clashes. For late-diagnosed autistic women, expressing our needs can seem like asking for a unicorn at a pet store—impossible and slightly absurd!

For women with autism who are undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, social challenges in friendship can be especially overwhelming. We may experience anxiety about how to reconnect with a friend following a setback or worry about being a burden to them. Every interaction seems like a delicate balance—similar to playing Jenga with our social life, one wrong move and everything comes crashing down.

Emotional Turbulence: The Rollercoaster of Connection

Forming friendships as autistic women who are undiagnosed or late-diagnosed can be compared to a rollercoaster ride, but not the gentle ones with scenic views—more like the rickety old wooden coasters that make us question our safety. One minute, we’re soaring high with the thrill of meeting someone new, and the next, we’re plummeting into the abyss of social anxiety, wondering if we accidentally made the wrong type of eye contact, causing the stranger to mistakenly see it as a love-at-first-sight moment.

For many late-diagnosed autistic women, this emotional rollercoaster in creating a friendship is both exciting and utterly exhausting, often leaving us questioning if the thrill is worth the cost. When the opportunity comes up for us to form friendship, we’re on a high, feeling like we’re about to conquer the world, followed by the panic of thinking, “Did I unintentionally suggest a quick Vegas wedding with just a gesture?” or we're stuck in the loop-de-loop of “Is this the moment to laugh or frown?” It's a wild ride, folks, and we might need a cup of calming tea to recover.

Social Expectations: A Language of Their Own

Ultimately, the notion that social expectations are expressed in a language only understood by cats playing a game of cat and mouse highlights the often perplexing nature of social interactions. The rules of friendship can seem arbitrary and elusive for autistic women who are undiagnosed or late-diagnosed, especially when unspoken norms and expectations vary from one group to another.

For instance, some interpret "LOL" as "Laugh Out Loud" while others see it as "Lots of Love", leaving us frustrated as to why we can't simply use actual words. If we ask, we’re seen as rude or clueless about being an adult. Additionally, it's become standard to communicate with emojis, making us question whether we really need 10 different smiley faces and how we are supposed to tell them apart.

For late-diagnosed autistic women, interpreting social cues in friendships is like decoding a secret language, similar to figuring out why our dog barks at the TV but is perfectly fine with the robot cleaner, which is basically a monster that eats dirt. We often find ourselves caught in a web of expectations, unsure of how to respond or what is deemed acceptable behaviour. This confusion can lead us to abandon friendships and retreat to solitude, as we struggle to fit into social circles that often seem foreign. But the next time you feel lost in social situations, remember: even the cats are confused, and they’re the ones setting the rules in transparent ink!

The Misconceptions: Loyalty and Reliability

Despite common misconceptions about autism in adults, our ability to forge strong friendships isn’t hindered by a lack of loyalty or reliability. In fact, as autistic women, we possess these traits in abundance, and they are uniquely strong and intense when we are dedicated to our friendships. You can count on us to remember your birthday—right after we finish calculating how many sesame seeds fit in a tiny jar. This playful distraction is not a sign of unreliability; rather, it highlights our ability to find joy in the small details while still cherishing the important moments in our lives.

Our unique outlook, as autistic women, on life is like wearing a pair of functional glasses that only we can see through, enabling us to spot the hidden emotions in our friends' dilemmas. At times we even absorb these feelings and thoughts while we dive deep into conversations, offering unique insights that are more profound than a philosopher at a cafe.

Although this depth is a strength, the expectations—whether self-imposed or from others—can become overwhelming. It's kind of like being the designated driver at a party: everyone expects us to be responsible, while we're just trying to balance a pot of hot soup and a giant bowl of ice cream without spilling or melting anything.

Additionally, if you need someone to binge-watch a series with while discussing the complex logic of the plot and grasping the big reveal within 10 minutes, we're the perfect friend for you! Just don’t ask us to share popcorn; that’s a whole different level of commitment. It’s not that we lack loyalty; instead, we approach relationships with a unique perspective that values personal space and individual quirks just as much as togetherness.

Solution: Accept We Cannot Fit in a Mould

Our ability to connect over shared interests, dig deep, and truly engage in conversations about life philosophy, investigating unique identity, and finding purpose in everything can create meaningful and enduring friendships. Although we might not always fit the traditional mould of what it means to be a reliable friend, as autistic women, we bring our own brand of loyalty that is equally valuable and rewarding.

Accepting these differences as our friends and allies can lead to friendships that are not only strong but also filled with laughter, understanding, and shared experiences that are truly one-of-a-kind. When we open our minds to the diverse perspectives, backgrounds, and cultures of those around us, we can toast to our wonderfully weird friendships, even if we do it with a cup of camomile.

Social Interactions: The Wild Card

Navigating social interactions is often a complex experience for many undiagnosed and late-diagnosed autistic women. We may interpret social cues differently from our peers, leading to misunderstandings. For example, a simple compliment might be intended as friendly banter, but we might not know the appropriate response if we can't easily return an equal compliment or if there's no apparent reason for one. Over time, this can lead others to misinterpret our reactions as insincerity or sarcasm. This uncertainty can leave us feeling confused about others' intentions.

The unspoken rules of friendship—like knowing when to text or how to respond to an invitation—can seem like navigating a minefield! For many autistic women, whether undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, this social maze of friendships can seem like a never-ending game of "Oblivion" where main, side, and guild quests all involve interpreting these "unwritten rules” or “unpredictable expectations”.

Misinterpretations can arise from innocent jokes, leading to unexpected fallout. Consider this: a joke shared in a group chat could be perceived as offensive by some, resulting in hurt feelings. Research show that people on the autism spectrum might take a little longer to process social information—like trying to download a file on dial-up internet. We know it’s coming, but it seems to take forever. Meanwhile, our friend might be wondering if we intentionally offended them, are just a mean person, were abducted by aliens, or simply chose to live off-grid.

Receiving an invitation can seem like being handed a ticket to the Social Olympics. We’re excited but also terrified. Do we RSVP immediately? Or should we consult our crystal ball for a more accurate prediction of our weekend mood? And what if we say yes, but then our sofa starts calling our name louder than our friends? It’s a delicate balance, like walking a tightrope over a pit of poisonous spiders—except the spiders are just our own social anxiety.

Solution: Keep Swimming Through the Chaos

As we strive to build connections, it often feels like we’re adrift in a sea—"WILSON"—of ever-changing social norms. One minute we’re paddling along, and the next, we’re being swept away by waves of misunderstanding. But fear not! Friendship involves embracing the chaos and finding those who appreciate our unique quirks that we, autistic women, possess and are born with.

So, whether we’re crafting a text that takes three days to perfect or deciding whether to attend a party where we might end up chatting with a potted plant, or hiding in a comfy spot with furry ornaments, remember: you’re not alone in this wild, wacky world of social interaction. Just keep swimming, and maybe invest in a good pair of floats for Wilson!

The Impact of Executive Functioning

Executive functioning is like the brain's version of a personal assistant, but instead of scheduling meetings and reminding you to reply to emails, it helps with organisation, planning, and task management. For undiagnosed and late-diagnosed autistic women, it can sometimes feel like that assistant is on a permanent coffee break, leaving you to juggle flaming torches while balancing a unicycle. Research indicates that over 60% of autistic individuals struggle with executive functioning. Who knew that organising a bookshelf could feel like preparing for a space mission?

It's not that we're bad at planning or organising; in fact, those abilities are our strengths. We could likely turn organising a sock drawer into a military operation! However, as autistic women, we have a unique superpower: the ability to overthink the sock drawer, ensuring that colour coding, size arrangement, or material separation all make sense before considering the task complete.

This is the same with social interactions; we overthink to the point where we could write our checklists, our contingency plans, and a backup plan for our backup plan. And let’s not forget the detailed flowchart for every possible response! We crave predictability like a cat craves a sunbeam. We end up preparing for situations that haven’t even happened yet. We’re not just planning a picnic; we’re also considering the possibility of a sudden alien invasion or a spontaneous dance-off.

Planning social outings or keeping track of commitments can sometimes feel like trying to herd cats. You know, those cats that have a tendency to disappear right when you need them. Busy schedules and unrealistic expectations can lead to anxiety and autistic burnout. If we struggle to keep up with the demands of social life, our friendships might end up looking like that sad, half-eaten fried chicken in the fridge: neglected and a little questionable.

Solution: Guardian Protectors

Friends and allies of autistic women can step in like guardian protectors armed with empathy and kindness. Gentle reminders or friendly scheduled check-ins can be like a warm hug for our brains, helping to strengthen those connections and make us feel more comfortable in our friendships.

The next time you catch us staring blankly into space, trying to remember if we actually agreed to go to a party or if we just had a vivid dream about it, a little nudge can go a long way. After all, everyone deserves a buddy who can help them navigate the chaotic world of social plans. Think of yourself as our personal social GPS—only instead of recalculating routes, you're recalculating social invites!

While we're at it, the best kind of friend is one who not only remembers the party details but also knows where the fried chicken is hiding, saving the day one reminder at a time!

The Paradox of Introspection

Introspection is like that friend who shows up uninvited to our party, sits in the corner, and starts critiquing how we could have made better cake pops. It's a common trait among autistic individuals, leading to a heightened sense of self-awareness. While this quality can promote personal growth, it often triggers overanalysing about relationships—similar to a detective in a crime drama, but instead of solving mysteries, we’re just trying to figure out why our friend looked at us funny last Tuesday.

We autistic women might find ourselves replaying conversations in our heads like a bad documentary on repeat. “Did I really say that? Why did they think it was funny? Was it even a joke? Should I have pretended to laugh?” This mental loop can lead to a need for reassurance, like a dog nudging for ear scratches. But our friends might not always have the time or energy to offer that reassurance, especially when they're busy with their own cake pop recipes.

In addition to navigating social norms, emotional labour is a significant component of maintaining friendships. Women are often socialised to prioritise the feelings and needs of others, which can lead to an imbalance in relationships. For autistic women who are undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, this emotional labour can become even more pronounced as we may struggle with our own emotional regulation.

This struggle can make it difficult to meet the expectations of our friends while also managing our own emotional needs, potentially leading to feelings of resentment, which can further complicate friendship dynamics.

Solution: Safe Environment for Expressions

This introspection can also pave the way for deeper discussions. Once we muster the courage to express our thoughts and feelings, we can create a foundation built on trust and empathy. Friends and allies of autistic women can promote these meaningful conversations by offering a safe environment.

Once we begin talking, it not only strengthens our connections but also encourages healthier interactions. Just keep in mind, if you start overanalysing your friend’s choice of pizza toppings, it might be time to take a break and just enjoy the cheese! Plus, pineapple is a very unique fruit, so embrace it before the spikes cause you pain.

Finding Friendship in a Diverse Spectrum

Accepting that some friendships will flourish while others fade is an integral part of understanding our social environment. It's a bit like gardening—some plants bloom beautifully, while others just sit there, sulking and judging your watering techniques.

For autistic women, whether undiagnosed or late-diagnosed, we often find comfort in connecting with those who recognise and appreciate our unique perspectives.

Think of it as finding our tribe—only instead of a cool secret handshake, we bond over mutual confusion about social cues and a shared love for snacks that crunch loudly during quiet moments. This may involve reaching out to other neurodivergent individuals or joining social groups that embrace diversity. For instance, joining in a support group for autistic women can foster friendships where our strengths are embraced rather than ignored.

In these environments, our emotional depth and loyalty are appreciated as strengths, enabling us to form genuine connections that honour our autistic women’s voices and individuality. It’s like finding a group of people who not only understand our quirks but also have a few of their own, making every gathering feel like a funny episode of “The Big Bang Theory”—awkward moments included!

Navigating Conflict Resolution

Ah, conflict—the spice of life, or at least the seasoning that makes friendships taste a little more... interesting. For undiagnosed and late-diagnosed autistic women, handling these social challenges in friendship can feel like bungee jumping in a jungle full of crocodiles. Increased anxiety during social interactions can turn even the simplest disagreement into an expedition to climb Everest.

Anxiety can transform conflicts into all-or-nothing situations, hence the need for open communication. Without it, we might just end up out of breath before even starting to climb Everest, leaving no energy to discuss our feelings. Miscommunication in conflicts is another factor that can severely impact friendships. As autistic women who are undiagnosed or diagnosed late in life, we may find it challenging to articulate our thoughts and feelings in a way that resonates with our friends.

This can lead to further misunderstandings, where friends might misinterpret silence or withdrawal as disinterest or unfriendliness, rather than recognising it as a coping mechanism or a need for space, or the conflict might have triggered an autistic shutdown. Such miscommunications can erode trust and connection, making it difficult to sustain meaningful friendships over time for autistic women.

Solution: I'm the Godfather or Just Practice Your Calm Voice

To tackle conflicts without turning them into a historical drama, it’s crucial to practice calmly expressing emotions. Here’s a humorous take on how to do it:

• Channel Your Inner Zen Master: Picture yourself on a serene mountaintop, breathing deeply. Just don’t get too relaxed—you might fall asleep and miss the conflict!

• Role-Playing Fun: Engage in role-playing various scenarios. But please, for the love of all that is playful, steer clear of reenacting “The Godfather.” Unless you want to end up with a horse’s head in your bed (not a recommended conflict resolution technique).

• Use Props: Consider using props during your role-play. A furry teddy bear can diffuse tension faster than a heartfelt apology. Just don’t let anyone take you seriously; that’s the key!

• Practice Your Calm Voice: Try speaking in a soothing tone. You know, like a yoga instructor who just found out they can’t have avocado toast for breakfast. "Breathe in... and out... now let’s talk about your terrible parking job."

• Humour is Your Friend: When things get tense, throw in a light-hearted joke. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid this conflict!” Just make sure the other person isn’t in the mood to throw that chicken back at you!

By following these tips, you can tackle conflicts without turning them into a theatrical performance. Remember, calmness is key—unless you’re auditioning for a role in a drama, then all bets are off!

Written communication can also be a lifesaver. Sending a text like, "Climbing Everest is an awful idea!" or “Hey, I’m feeling a bit cheesed off about the pizza situation!”, can convey your feelings without escalating to a full-blown food fight. Plus, if there's a misunderstanding, you can always blame autocorrect. By actively enhancing our conflict resolution skills, we can encourage healthier discussions that reduce misunderstandings and strengthen friendships over time.

Building a Support System for Late-Diagnosed Autistic Women

Building a strong support network is crucial for autistic women who are undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life, because who doesn’t need a squad. It's like finding cozy blankets on Everest—except these blankets come with snacks, understanding nods, and the occasional "I totally get it!" Discovering environments where we feel accepted can lead to enduring friendships, even during tough times—because nothing says “I’ve got you” like a friend who understands your need for a snack break or a Q&A session during a deep conversation. Seriously, who can think on an empty stomach?

Encouraging mutual support among friends nurtures resilience and growth. It’s like a potluck dinner, but instead of bringing food, we bring emotional support and the occasional meme that perfectly sums up our needs. By creating routines for connection—such as regular check-ins or shared activities—we can reinforce our friendships. For instance, arranging a monthly tea meeting can create a sense of predictability and trust over time. Just make sure the tea is strong enough to keep the awkward silences at bay!

These simple practices can lay the groundwork for lasting connections built on empathy and understanding between autistic women who are undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life and those who are friends and allies. Remember, friendships are like plants: they need a little water, some gentle sunlight, and the occasional “I’m here for you” whisper. Just avoid overwatering—nobody likes to be soggy!

Friendship: Accepting the Whack-a-Mole Experience as Late-Diagnosed Autistic Women

Friendships can indeed be unpredictable for late-diagnosed autistic women. One moment we’re sharing deep secrets, and the next, we’re trying to decode why our friend suddenly sent us a meme of a potato wearing sunglasses. However, by recognising the unique strengths we bring to these relationships, we can cultivate a deeper understanding of our emotional depth and loyalty. Embracing our unique traits enables us to navigate the complexities of friendships more effectively.

Sure, challenges will pop up like Whack-a-mole, but our dedication to honesty, emotional openness, and continuous growth can turn those awkward moments into bonding experiences—kind of like a garden where the plants occasionally argue about who is hogging the sunshine or stealing the water. By embracing this journey, we can nurture meaningful friendships rooted in understanding and acceptance, like a warm hug from our favourite blanket.

Each friend brings something special to the table. One might have the ability to recite every line from “The Big Bang Theory”, while another can identify all the flavours of ice cream in a blind taste test. Together, they create a friendship that’s as varied as a buffet at a fusion restaurant—there’s something for everyone, and you might even discover a new favourite dish (or in this case, a new favourite meme).

Through navigating the unpredictable nature of friendships, late-diagnosed autistic women can build a network of relationships that thrives, celebrating each individual’s unique contributions and unwavering loyalty. It's a bit like trying to find the best Wi-Fi signal in a crowded café—sometimes you have to move around a bit, but when you find that sweet spot, everything connects amazingly. So here’s to the unique friendships that thrive against the odds, even if it means occasionally whacking a few moles along the way!

In conclusion, the complexity of friendships for undiagnosed and late-diagnosed autistic women encompasses a myriad of factors, including the influence of social norms, potential conflicts, misconceptions, the burden of emotional labour and executive functioning, and the potential for miscommunication.

By striving to understand and navigate these complexities, we can foster more inclusive and supportive friendships that honour the unique experiences of all individuals, allowing for deeper connections and a greater sense of belonging. As we continue to explore these dynamics, it becomes increasingly clear that empathy and awareness are key components in enhancing the quality of friendships for those who may feel marginalised or misunderstood.